More painful is realizing that it doesn’t have to be this way. After not wanting to believe it for a long time, at some point you confess: it doesn’t make sense anymore. For me it was a drop that turned the feeling of “We are not going in the same direction”, which had already become permanent, into the phrase “We must separate.” And even if there wasn’t a lot of drama, no screaming or anger, but almost something like relief, there was also a lot of sadness. We spent many wonderful years together and together we create the best that we have and will probably succeed in our lives: our daughter.
For her, this decision, which was a logical step for us adults, was of course completely incomprehensible. We have said all the phrases that are recommended in such a situation. “Mom and Dad don’t love each other anymore, but we always love you.” Countless times he asked “Why?”, But no explanation answered why his world was falling apart. It wasn’t until months later that a friend told me the most important sentence children need to hear in this situation: “It’s not your fault.” It wasn’t at all, but kids have to hear some things very clearly that we adults take for granted.
And there was more need for explanation in the first few months than I could bear in between. Especially when our reasonably balanced allocation system didn’t work. The reason was a huge breach of trust on his part, but how did the five-year-old explain that he cannot see his father for a while? She had sworn not to speak ill of him. But, how do you understand that there are situations where contact is not good for you, without saying why?
Explain, distract, endure. More is not possible.
For me, the main thing since the separation was: work. Manage everything alone, regulate everything, cope with everyday life alone, bear costs and above all responsibility alone. To function at work, because losing it would have completely collapsed the already fragile construction that was now my life. And above all the feeling: Everything different, everything at the beginning …
Many of the comments that I could hear were boring or boring.
“Why did you get divorce? My husband and I also fight sometimes. “ – Yes thanks. Of course, I only broke up because I didn’t know that arguing is quite normal sometimes. If only someone had told me earlier. People don’t even realize how pejorative that is and that such a statement implies the accusation that they made it too easy and didn’t really make an effort.
“Did he have another? Do you have somebody else? “ – Yes thanks. We live in a soap opera, the only logical variant is that someone has cheated. And of course, I’m particularly glad that my breakup is a good opportunity for you to gossip a bit.
“Do you already have someone new?” – Yes thanks. My world turned upside down once, spun three times on its own axis and left me disheveled and hurt, but of course I have nothing else on my mind than catching a new one! And as a single working mom, there is nothing easier than drawing some pictures.
“Now you have a lot of free time for children / weekends, enjoy it!”– Yes thanks. Watching the child walk away is, of course, very easy and not painful. And free time, of course, is not overwhelming at all, but it is great. Especially when the whole circle of friends is made up of happy couples and families. Time to me, sounds good, but actually I had to learn again.
But there were also many positive experiences
Friendships that have deepened, people who found the right words, friends with whom I could cry and vomit. Unsurprisingly, these were especially the ones that had parted ways. It’s like so many times: how something feels and how much life changes, only someone knows who has experienced it himself.
It has been a long time since the separation and divorce. Everything has been clarified and regulated, Dad’s times are working, we have a good basis for discussion. Sometimes it fluctuates a bit, but that’s part of it. And it encourages me to have made the right decision. I no longer have any doubts about it. Most of all, I regretted the time we spent together. Even mourned in great detail. But as it is: time heals all wounds, and what was, in some cases, has even become a beautiful memory.
Our daughter’s questions were asked less and less, while she seems to have found herself in the new situation. Sometimes she says something completely free and then adds to clarify the time horizon: “That was when Daddy still lived with us.” A statement, not a reproach, and no sadness is heard.
Single parent: an eternal balancing act
It is still exhausting handling everyday life alone. What is missing most: The only person who is as interested in this family life as you, because it is the most important and unique life for him too. The person with whom you share daily life, with whom you can talk about the details of everyday life with the same intensity and duration as the main concerns that concern them so much.